Sunday, 21 April 2013

Meeting the Lard's Horses

I mentioned in the last post that the lard has two horses: Spot and Dakota. The lard hasn't ridden them in two years due to her becoming a lard, but she does feed them. Their lives are in her hands. Now, these horses are crazier than Rutch. Just look at Spot.

See what I mean? Anyways,The lard always has a hard time when she feeds the horses. This is how she describes the task:
"So I'm walking down to the barn to feed the horses right, like I'm doing them a favour. This is all for them. As I walk down the hill they chase after me, trying to run me over. Like mother fucker I just want to feed you, no need to kill me. Then they freak the fuck out and try to kick me. Seriously, kicking me isn't going to help them get fed any faster. Once they're fed they try to bite me, like the hay wasn't enough to satisfy them, so they need some rutch for desert. Hoes."

The experience is always very upsetting for her. As a lard, she can't control her anger towards animals. When they do anything to upset her, she will tell you. And then she will tell you again. And you can be sure that she'll probably tell you again. And each time her voice will get more and more bitchy until BAMN! Rutch stabs the horses with a spoon. She hasn't done it yet, but I won't be surprised when/if she does.

XOXO, Cleatle

What is a "Fat Lard"?

This is my fat lard, Rutch.
She is not fat. But she is still a fat lard.
A fat lard is not fat unless they are already fat.
To be a fat lard you can be any size, shape, or colour.
If Rutch was green she would still be a fat lard.
If Rutch was obese, she would still be a fat lard.
If Rutch was a hexagon, she would still be a fat lard.
Now, I would like to specify that there can indeed be skinny lards..
But Rutch isn't one.
Oh my dear poor fat lardy Rutch.
"What is a fat lard?" you may ask.
Well, I will tell you.
A fat lard is a person who has no sense of what is socially acceptable.
They don't understand boundaries.
They WILL tell you ANYTHING they are thinking.
For example, my fat lard Rutch just texted me a story out of the blue:
"Yesterday I shaved my legs," she began with. "But it wasn't until I was going to bed when I noticed I only shaved one and a half legs."
To a fat lard, stories like these would never be thought of as weird or TMI. No way. In fact, to a lard, stories like these are news worthy.
Fat lards also make insanely loud munching noises while they eat.
They enjoy the company of cats.
They use their boobs as furniture and as a place to hide things.
They judge people sometimes.. those people judge them back.
There are many more characteristics of a fat lard, and to name them all would take an unknown amount of time. But I promise you that there are many characteristics of a fat lard, and that Rutch has them all.
If you believe that you have the characteristics of a fat lard, I am sorry. There is no known cure, and no funding for researchers to find one. Once you become a lard, you're a lard for life.

XOXO, Cleatle

My first visit to the Lard's house

When my car pulled up to Rutch's house for the first time, my jaw dropped in awe. It was the most adorable house I'd ever seen; a yellow cottage surrounded by farm land and flowers. If only the lard was as pretty as her house.. Anyways, after I recovered from the initial shock, I ventured over to the front door and knocked. The lard answered IMMEDIATELY. I remember wondering if she had been waiting by the door for me to arrive, (I later found out that she had in fact been patiently waiting by the door for an unspecified amount of time). She decided to take me on a tour. Nothing strange about that right? Wrong. To my surprise it wasn't a tour of her house, but a tour of her cats. She has so many cats that they deserve a separate post. Once this "tour" was over, and I had been forced to pet about 8 cats, the lard told me with great excitement about the other things living at her house:
1. The lard
2. The Lard's human family
3. The Lard's cat family
4. Two horses
5. A bunny
6. A ghost.
That's right. The lard has a ghost in her house. I was a little taken aback to be honest, but I was fine wih it. I knew other people who believed they had ghosts in their house, and they were totally great people. So I guess I just assumed that the lard would be a great person too--the ghost was just an extension of her coolness. Oh, I was wrong. The ghost just adds to how odd my little old lard is.
What a cray cray lard of fat... I bet the ghost hates her.
XOXO, Cleatle

How the lard began..

I am the friend of a fat lard, and for the purpose of this blog, I will call her Rutch. I met Rutch almost two years ago--before the lardiness truly began to show. As we became closer friends, I learned a lot about her: what she likes, what she doesn't, and so on. I found it fun learning about her life and showing her mine. However, I did not know what I was getting into by becoming friends with this girl. How was I to know how odd she was? There is not yet an invention to detect such things early on in a friendship. So, we spent a lot of time together. A year or so went by, and I began to notice strange things about her. But against all advice, I am still friends with her right now. Through this blog, I plan to document how strange this lard is. So here it goes... welcome to my documentation of the life of a fat lard.
               She might seem normal, but beware...